matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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