So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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