Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
my liver is dry heaving
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
