She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
