she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
