those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
