why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
