Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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