chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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