I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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