Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
