I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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