Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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