highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
