i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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