He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
