i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I supernannyed him into submission
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
