wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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