Will you blow on my dice?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
