she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
