I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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