My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
