I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
