My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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