matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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