My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
