You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
