u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
