Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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