Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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