i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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