she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
