here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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