dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
