Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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