Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
