i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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