I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
