Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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