so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We are all done wearing pants today
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
