The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
