I'm really into asian looking animals
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
