Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
