I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
