I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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