He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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