I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
