a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
