my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
