I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
