party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
